I nearly threw myself in front of a train once, at least that's what I lied to myself, in reality I knew I never would and was so ashamed that I feared death that I just pretended that I was close to suicide. The reason I wanted to believe the lie is because I thought it gave me more power over my life and how I deal with loneliness and the fear of being stuck where I was or that I hadn't grown or changed in any way from that time terrified me