I'll admit, I really do love you. But the crap you give me is more so than the -crap- you say I give you. I've consulted a really close female friend we both have, and over the months, I've tried the advice she had given. It simply does not work. And she was in a great relationship until her bonehead boyfriend destroyed it, so I know her knowledge was good. I think we need a break. A healing break. I want to love you but I can't deal with someone detrimental t my love life.... I'm sorry.

i want to hurt people who love me i feel awful for being so sadistic

I love you. She hates you. I love her. She loves me. If I could go back and change anything. It would be to convince you to give us a try. It would be to open your eyes on how he would potentially destroy you. It would be to show you how well I can treat you. Because, even after all of this... I. Love. You.

You know, I think about you a lot whenever you go off to plant trees. I like this setup we've had up till now, where you'll come and spend the night before going off to the caravan for a week. But I always feel like I want to see more of you. I guess what I'm saying is maybe I'd like it if you were my boyfriend. But I'm not even sure what that would change, and I don't feel brave enough to bring up this kind of thing with you because we've never talked about anything so 'heavy' before. If I'm being honest, I feel like I've gone a bit mad for you. And I've no idea how you feel. Does that put me at a disadvantage?

I could confess to you all what a worthless piece of shit I am, and go on and on about it, but it would be difficult to even scratch the surface, and pitifully inadequate compared to the absolute purity and perfection of this way of telling you what I mean: blowing my brains out with a shotgun. Too bad it would leave such a goddamn mess. If it's not one damn thing it's another, huh?

I am grateful for getting the flu. Because of the flu, I haven't smoked or drank alcohol in about 10 days. Thank god I am still sick.

I avatar had job last year with good company ,and I walked out due to policy I think about it once in a while, this does no good. I should not worry about it no more cause it creates frustration.

I find myself more and more depressed about everything in my life. I feel as though I'm not living up to expectations people have about me. Expectations my family and lover has about me. I think my parents are more proud of my younger brother, and they rightfully should be because he is actually DOING things with his life. Why aren't I? I want to, but it's so much more difficult than I thought. No license, therefore no job, and not going to college. I'm wasting my life and I hate it. As for my lover, who I've been with for years- I almost feel like this isn't....right for me. I've never been with a guy, but I think about it so much, and I'll never admit that to her. Sometimes I think we are not right for each other because we're always getting in arguments about something, usually her jealousy and insecurities. I wish that I had a reset button and could start everything over. I would probably do everything differently.