I've been in and out of mental hospitals, struggling to not kill myself. Recently, I've been having really bad intrusive thoughts about my family. I force myself to think about my dad raping me or me raping him. And my younger brother. Sometime I force myself to imagine myself raping a helpless kid. I'm so disgusted with myself and I think I'm going insane. I feel no pleasure form this, only disgust. is this normal?