i asked my lover to be my boyfriend then cheated on him that same week and have been lying to him ever since and still keeping in contact with the guy i cheated with

sometimes i feel angry about the things in my life that i cant control. i feel as if everything in my life is falling to pieces and then i go to school and that all changes. i have friends who care for me. teachers who appreciate my ideas and a place to have some sort of normality. i love my friends so much but i find it hard to communicate that with them and soon i have to leave them to live a -better- life and i dont know how to tell them. im afraid when i leave they will stop talking to me or stop thinking about me because i know i wont stop thinking about them.

My self esteem is derived from sex and admiration, I’ve been married 7 years and feel like I may never get either again. I hate myself and would like to make it a full day without wondering what the afterlife is like.

I'm too young. I wish it were different. I found someone who I truly connect with. I have never felt like this about anyone so far. I feel comfortable around him. I have never been an open person. I can't open up to anyone, not even my parents or best friend. I build huge walls around myself. And for so long I was fine with that. Sure, it was lonely at times, but I could deal with that. It never affected me much. But now he came along, and I feel so happy. I get a big stupid grin on my face whenever talking to him (he lives in the next state; we call) and I find myself thinking about him a lot. I know it isn't just infatuation this time, cause this feels different. When I'm with him I can lower my guard a little. Remove a few layers of my almost impenetrable wall. And I know he feels the same way. But I also know that it can never become more than friendship. I'm 14. He's 19. The age difference is too great. I just wish I met him at a point where 4-5 years wasn't too much.

I used to judge people who self harmed, I thought they were seeking attention or just too weak to handle life. Summer of 2020 I had the worst mental breakdown of my life, I wouldn’t eat for days at a time and could hardly complete simple tasks without sobbing. The thought of self harm never crossed my mind. I spent the next year putting myself back together only to fall apart again in the summer of 2021. I wanted the pain to stop more than anything. I took a knife to my skin and felt pure relief, only to feel the most intense remorse and regret of my life just minutes later. I spent the next weeks forcing myself to sleep at early hours of the evening just to avoid that late night sadness that leads to the urge to hurt myself. I wish I didn’t understand why people resort to self harm but I do now. I wish I didn’t but I do. My advice: don’t. It’s a small bit of relief that only leads to more intense suffering in the aftermath.

I hate myself. I thought my husband loved me and it turns out he doesn’t. And I can’t get over it. Which just emphasizes how pathetic I am. Just when I was starting to feel safe and loved and wanted - turns out I’m not. I’m worthless. And I wish I would just die so I could stop making mistakes and disappointing people.

I keep seeing my ex boyfriend because I feel like he knows me better than anyone and I'll never find somebody who will put the same effort in this. The problem is we never agree about anything.

I've been in and out of mental hospitals, struggling to not kill myself. Recently, I've been having really bad intrusive thoughts about my family. I force myself to think about my dad raping me or me raping him. And my younger brother. Sometime I force myself to imagine myself raping a helpless kid. I'm so disgusted with myself and I think I'm going insane. I feel no pleasure form this, only disgust. is this normal?